I had a school assignment recently where I had to give a 10 minute message, TED talk style, to an audience of 30 students.
It was vulnerable to put myself out there and share a part of my heart. Being on a stage is humbling. There’s no room to hide. You’re fully there, exposed, and you can either embrace it or run.
I chose to embrace it. I delivered the message, had fun doing it, and learned a lot. There is a group of people that were assigned to fill out an evaluation form for each student. On one of my forms, at the very bottom of the page, the person wrote, “I think you should believe in you more.”
“I think you should believe in you more.”
That phrase hit me hard. It kept running through my mind.
I immediately knew what they meant. I felt it in my core. I know I don’t believe in myself as much as other people do. That’s an issue, I think.
There’s nothing humble about not believing in myself. It’s a false form of humility. It’s self-deprecation, self-sabotage. It’s dangerous.
Why don’t I believe in myself? Obviously, there’s a lie that’s deeply rooted in my heart that says I’m not good enough.
I realize that when it comes to evaluating myself, my evaluation is almost always harsher than what other people say. I’m always my harshest critic. Why am I so harsh on myself?
Why do other people seem to have an easier time accepting, loving, and evaluating me than I do?
There seems to be a level of disconnection with myself. A level of self-acceptance that hasn’t been reached yet. It’s something that I haven’t figured out yet, and I’m going to be okay with that.
I’m going to be okay with the fact that my life is messy, and in process. But I’m going to do my best to stay away from “fixing” myself - because I am a human being that needs to be loved, not fixed. Love will change me more than fixing will.
I know there will be days when I am harsh towards myself. But I will try to get up and love me anyways. I will try to be kind to myself when I least feel like it. I will try not to expect perfection.
And even when I miss the mark on all of this… that’s okay too. I am a work in progress, and I will celebrate every success, and embrace every failure. I will seek truth and love above perfection and accomplishment.
And even when I have many more questions than answers, and my life doesn’t make sense, I will choose to lean in to the voice of truth, and listen to it. I will choose grace.